Why is femme4femme dating so f*cking hard?
It takes a strong b*tch to make this work. Here’s how.
Q:
Hi Melissa! You’re very open and public about being a femme who dates femmes, both in terms of how powerful you find those connections and in how exhausting you find it. I’m wondering if you have any advice for another femme4femme dater: Why is it so hard, and what can we do differently?
A:
If my life was a solar system, femmes would be the sun. I love all queer and trans people, but there’s something about femmes in particular that I absolutely worship. Maybe it’s that all of my closest friends, even sisterhoods, have been queer femmes. Maybe it’s that I feel seen in my version of queerness with other femmes. Maybe it’s the way that cisheteropatriarchy tells us which versions of “womanhood” are most acceptable and attractive. Who knows?
But ultimately, what I think is so powerful about femmes – being femme, having friends who are femme, dating femmes – is their subversive attitude toward all that is considered “normal,” even within queer community! As my friend Vanessa Rochelle Lewis has written, “Femme is queer queering queer.” And I love nothing more than a purposeful, intentional fuck-you to The System.
But because the system is constantly in our faces (and our hearts and brains), there are specific issues that come up in femme4femme dating that can make it uniquely hard.
Let’s talk about them.
But first, I want to let you know that I have openings for one-on-one clients coming up for the late spring into summer. And if you’re on any kind of queer dating journey, femme4femme included, and could use some support, I want to help.
Simply put, femme4femme dating is difficult because cisheteropatriarchy doesn’t want you to do it.
Obviously, cisheteropatriarchy doesn’t want anyone to date outside of the realm of—well—cisheteropatriarchy: a system that prioritizes and benefits straight, cisgender men.
And sapphic (and especially lesbian) dating is particularly obstructed and stigmatized in our society because it exposes the irrelevancy of straight, cisgender men.
Overall, this is a topic gaining a lot of traction and interest recently, as the so-called “male loneliness epidemic” (cue eyeroll) centers itself as a talking point. Part of what contributes to this issue is that, in the United States, as women have gained more independence, marriage (and the dating leading up to it) has lost its sparkle of necessity. And what’s being uncovered is that if (even straight!) women don’t need men, they don’t choose them.
And while there’s certainly some overlap here with more and more women coming out as queer and actively pursuing sapphic relationships, what I’m interested in is how the existence of lesbianism is available as a blueprint for how to live our lives without depending on cis men for proximity to resources.
Lesbianism: It’s cisheteropatriarchy’s best-kept secret.
And the way that it’s kept a “secret,” or unattainable, is by constant systemic challenges that I think femme4femme dating especially elucidates.
Femme4femme dating is hard because, like all queer dating, it lacks the cisheteronormative dating scripts that we rely on to know how to behave. Who asks whom out? Who pays for the date? One way to combat this is to allow either party to engage in these behaviors, rather than expecting one to, and one not to. Sure, it can be a little awkward when you both pull out your wallet. But queer dating, especially if it’s new to you, can feel awkward. That’s exactly what happens when we push against a social norm!
Femme4femme dating is hard because while all queers can flirt differently than cishet men do, femmes in particular tend to flirt with one another very differently. This leaves us asking the common question, “Was she flirting or just being nice?” This is why it’s important for us to unlearn what we think chemistry looks and feels like, rather than comparing all of our dating experiences to how we feel when dating men. Because it will feel different. Pro tip: Femmes are flirting with you when they ask for your natal chart. Femmes are flirting with you when they send you long, detailed messages about what they think. Femmes are flirting with you when they appear interested in your lore. Femmes are flirting with you when they just stare at you and tell you how pretty you are.
Femme4femme dating is hard because there is a lack of differing gender roles to guide us. Of course, in all queer dating, traditional gender roles can be thrown out the window (see: “dating scripts,” above). However, due to a long and storied history around butch/femme dynamics, even “homonormative” roles can be ingrained in us in a way that’s unhelpful when we want to date someone of a similar gender presentation! Sometimes we can turn to top/bottom dynamics to help navigate this.
Femme4femme dating is hard because some femmes have never dated outside of a cisheteropatriarchal system. A lot of the folks who feel mind-boggled by femme4femme dating are bisexual femmes dating other bisexual femmes, when neither of them have dated a non-man before. There is nothing wrong with that! But when both people in a dating scenario lack the experience to know how to behave, it can be doubly frustrating. Try having these conversations with femmes upfront: What does it feel like to be new at this? How can we actively try not to fall into the trap of automatically becoming friends instead? How can we date with intention?
Femme4femme dating is hard because we all know what it feels like to be objectified. One refrain that I hear from femmes a lot is that they’re always afraid to “make a move” on another femme because they don’t want them to feel violated. And I love the compassion and empathy that this fear stems from. But here are two things to keep in mind: (1) The way that you are attracted to femmes is not the way that straight, cis men are taught to be attracted to femmes. Unlearn the idea that your queer desire is somehow wrong. And (2) there’s a lot of pressure for physical and sexual intimacy to happen without communication, which is honestly how a lot of this violation happens in the first place. Remember that you can ask questions. Even a post-date text along the lines of “I really wanted to kiss you, but wasn’t sure what you wanted. How are you feeling for next time?” can help clear that up.
Femme4femme dating is hard because we simply don’t have the rules or the tools for it. But the wonderful thing about being queer is that we get to make both up – and make it work for us.
In solidarity (ooof),
Melissa
If femme4femme dating has you feeling stuck, I got you. Use this form to let me know what you’re struggling with, and I’ll get back to you with how I think I can help!