I'm bisexual and newly out. How do I conquer queer imposter syndrome?
When the call is coming from inside the house, the answer is self-validation.
Q:
I recently came into understanding and sharing my queer identity, and I feel very excited about it. But I don’t know how to shake the feeling that I’m not “queer enough” when I don’t have a lot of queer community and am in a relationship with someone of the so-called “opposite sex.” Being a woman who’s more feminine-presenting, I don’t feel like I have much of a queer aesthetic either. And I’ve never had a queer romantic or sexual partner. So I feel almost silly calling myself queer or being in queer spaces. Help?
A:
This is one of the most common questions I get from folks, so trust me when I say that you are not alone. A lot of people get stuck in the idea that queerness has to look and operate a certain way to be real, to be valid, to be accepted. And when we don’t embody what we think “queerness” looks like – whether that’s how we dress or who we date – we can find ourselves feeling less-than.
It doesn’t help that so much of our society only understands queerness only as binary: Monosexuality (attraction to one gender) and binary transness (folks who identify solidly as men or women) is much more accepted, overall, than expressions or experiences of queerness that are more fluid or ambiguous.
Our brains like to categorize, and our culture loves to oppress. So whenever we don’t perfectly fit into a box, we can feel both internal and external pressure to “fix it” somehow – to be more easily categorizable.
The thing about queerness inherently, though, is that it exists outside of those boundaries.
So, arguably, by virtue of feeling a bit “neither here nor there,” you’re doing queerness perfectly.
That doesn’t make it easier to experience this specific form of cisheteronormativity, though. So let’s talk about how to self-validate.
And reader, if this is something that you struggle with, please reach out! You don’t have to go on this journey alone. I would love to help you get to a place where you feel comfortable in your queer identity. Reach out here and tell me where you feel stuck:
Self-validation is a deeply important part of our work – not just in queerness, but in life.
It’s perfectly reasonable to desire external validation; we all do. But if we become too dependent on others affirming who we are, we miss out on developing the confidence we need to move through difficult and uncomfortable experiences. And unfortunately, as queer folks in a cisheteronormative society, we’re going to come up against a lot of them!
Self-validation is the process of finding ways to stand in our truth because we know ourselves, without the need for others to agree with us.
Think about other identities that you hold that you don’t question – or that would make you scoff if anyone tried to challenge them. For example, I’m a woman. I’m Italian-American. I’m a citizen of the United States. Sure, people could challenge the confines of these sometimes colonial ways of understanding ourselves. But if someone tried to tell me that I’m not these things, it would be so absurd that I would just walk away from the conversation.
Your queerness is just as real and valid and unable to be taken away from you.
Sure, we can be more or less “culturally” queer, just like my Italian-American experience exists on a spectrum where I’m am “more” culturally Italian-American than some people and “less” culturally Italian-American than others. But that doesn’t take away the facts (my ancestors immigrated to the United States from Italy) or the experience (I grew up Catholic and having Sunday dinners at 2pm with pasta and “gravy”).
Your queerness, too, exists on a cultural spectrum like this. But the fact is: You identify as queer. And the experience is: You have queer romantic and sexual attraction. Period.
The wonderful thing about this cultural spectrum is that you can change it! And I think this is a lot of what folks need in their self-validation journeys: to find ways to feel more connected to queer history and culture – and to yourself.
Here are five ideas for practicing self-validation in your queerness – queer imposter syndrome be damned:
1. Explore Queer Identity Developmental Theory: I know this sounds super academic – and it can be if you want it to be! – but it doesn’t have to be. This could look like taking a deep-dive into what sexuality researchers have found to be common stages in identity development; reading books on queer theory; or finding a support group, therapist, or coach (hi!) who specializes in queer identity to explore your experiences with. This can help situate you in the reality that your experiences aren’t unique, and that means that you’re just as queer as anyone else!
2. Connect with the History of Queer Culture: Queerness is not new; it has existed for all of time. As such, there is a rich cultural history of queer and trans people at your fingertips to learn about and find yourself reflected in. We owe it to our elders and ancestors to better understand where we come from. We often know so much about some of our historical context (like the sociopolitical realm that we learn about in school), and yet so little about the history of our marginalized experiences. It sucks that we have to do that work ourselves, but we also have the opportunity to. So we should.
3. Surround Yourself with Queer Community: This is especially helpful if the folks you surround yourself with have experiences that mirror yours, so that you can see yourself represented and also have powerful processing conversations. For example, if you’re a bisexual woman in a long-term, monogamous relationship with a cis man, it might be helpful to find other people in that position so you feel less alone. You can do this online or in person! Just remember not to create an echo chamber where you’re not also engaging with queer folks whose experiences are different from yours, too.
4. Prioritize Engaging with Queer Media: No, representation isn’t everything, but it is helpful. Are you listening to music, watching TV, and reading books that reflect your own experiences and those of other queer folks? Who are you following on Instagram, on TikTok? Have you looked into independent media, like indie magazines and self-made zines? Is there a radical bookstore in your area that hosts events? What about indie film houses? Media shapes how we see the world – and how we see ourselves fitting into it (or not). Find art that reflects the world that you crave more of in your life.
5. Identify Places Where You Can Queer Your Life: Yes, “queer” is an identity (used as an adjective) – but it’s also a practice (used as a verb). What are the actions that you can take to live a life that feels more aligned with your queer identity, experience, and values? A great place to start is with gender roles: In what ways do you (and perhaps your partner) adhere to traditional gender roles, and how do you want to see that shift? You can also look at queering your relationships: How do you follow social scripts that prioritize romantic love and the pursuit of sex over friendship and community, and how can you change that? And if you want to explore things like your style and your hobbies, you absolutely can.
More than anything, remember that there isn’t a litmus test for queerness (or, if there is, it’s simply: do you experience queer romantic and/or sexual attraction? and you’ve already figured out that you do, so you pass!).
Indeed, by virtue of being queer, you’re already doing the thing.
In community,
Melissa
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