I'm ready to start dating women as a bisexual. What should I know first?

It’s a different experience, and that can be scary. Here’s what to prepare for.

According to a 2015 study by the PEW Research Center, 84% of bisexual-identified adults in committed relationships are partnered with someone of the “opposite sex” (a term that is problematic in and of itself, but you get the gist).

Now, this is an older study. But I wouldn’t be surprised if the numbers were similar today. Not because I believe that bisexual women (the audience of this piece) tend to be more attracted to, interested in, or driven toward cis men; after all, we’re in the era of “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” But rather, because our (cis)heteropatriarchal socialization is inherently homophobic (and particularly lesbophobic) and misogynistic.

Many of us struggle with internalized homophobia and misogyny. It will be a lifelong journey to uproot our insidious beliefs that women as a whole—and relationships with them—are less valuable in our society.

But even if we, as feminists, have worked hard to unlearn our active distaste for other women, we may still be harboring incorrect ideas about what it means to love women romantically in a society that pressures us to prioritize (nay—idealize) relationships with men.

Whether I’m chatting with female friends, clients, or potential dates, I find very similar anxieties coming up about the idea of dating women:

“I think I’m sexually attracted to women, but only romantically attracted to men.”
“I feel like my dates with other women always turn into friendships.”
“Okay, but what if I end up hating going down on girls?”

And all of these issues (and more!), I think, ultimately stem from (cis)heteropatriarchal conditioning, or compulsory heterosexuality.

Does the above sound like things you’ve wondered, too? Do you feel a desire to date women, or other queers, but aren’t sure where to start to get more comfortable?

LET ME HELP!

We are taught what romantic and sexual interest looks and feels like through a (cis)heteropatriarchal lens. It is the base experience that we (1) normalize and then (2) compare everything else to.

So when our attraction to women looks and feels different from that, instead of acknowleding and nurturing those differences, we’re quick to assume we must not be into women.

Our attraction to men feels more familiar. The script for how to date, flirt with, seduce, and sleep with men is comfortable. We know how to do it, and we know how to do it well.

But with women, we might feel confused, our of our depth, or even intimidated.

And so, like in all of the other ways our brains love a well-worn neural pathway, we end up with men – again and again and again. Not because that’s necessarily what we actively desire. But because it’s “easier” in its familiarity and comfort, not to mention in its social normalization and celebration.

Breaking that cycle takes intention.

There are a lot of ways that our socialization can get in the way of successfully dating women. Here are just a few to consider:

Is your dating app profile written to attract men? For example, is your list of dealbreakers a reflection of your history with men? Do you specify a height requirement geared toward men? Do you use male-centered language, like “looking for my Prince Charming?”
When talking to a woman, are you overly friendly? For example, do you avoid light flirting or explicitly asking someone on a date? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to take things slow or trying a vibe check. But if you treat her like a friend, that’s what she’ll become.
When talking to a woman, are you overly sexual? I know this is a fine line to walk. But try not to approach women like they’re sex objects. Because while being sexually attracted to women isn’t patriarchal, treating them like a means to an end certainly is.
Are you communicating that you’re unsure of your sexual identity – and therefore, your potential attraction to them? If you’re not sure of your sexual identity yet, that’s fine. Maybe take some time to do the internal work before putting yourself out there. Because when you identify as bi-curious or heteroflexible, or when you use language like “explore” and “experiment,” it communicates that you’re sure that you’re into men, but unsure if you’re into women.
Are you intimidated by women? Try taking this as a sign that you’ve met your match, in a way that many men can’t replicate, not that the discomfort means this must not be the right path for you.
Are you worried that you won’t enjoy having sex with women? Ask yourself where you learned that. Where did you learn that performing oral sex on a woman, for example, is gross, but that doing it for a man is expected?
Do you experience your attractions to men and women differently? You might. A lot of people do. For example, some people find that the heavy-on-innuendo flirting comes more easily and quickly with men, but that sexual attraction to women can take more time to develop. Try separating out these different experience of attraction, rather than deciding one is “right” and that the other must be “wrong” if it doesn’t feel the same.
Does the lack of a social script overwhelm you? Whether it’s who pays on a first date or which order sex acts go in, we know how men and women date. When we date women, we might feel totally overwhelmed by the lack of a script. Try to conceptualize this as one of the beautiful things about queerness: You get to make your own rules! All it really takes is a bit more communication.

The number one thing to know in your foray into dating women—whether it’s for the first time, or you’re ready to do so with more intention—is that it’s different.

That’s it.

It’s a different experience than dating men is.

And especially as adults, we tend to struggle with doing new things. We hate the feeling of being incompetent. We feel like we’re late to the party. We quit because we’re scared.

But what if we slowed down? What if we paused and thought it through? What if we recognized that these feelings are ultimately coming from (cis)heteropatriarchy, not ourselves? What if we moved forward with the understanding that it’s homophobic, misogynistic oppression that keeps up afraid to explore romantic and sexual relationships with other women, not our lack of attraction?

What if we placed the blame where it belongs? On society.

Then would we feel more comfortable, more excited, more emboldened to try?

There’s a reason why this is such a common experience. And it sure as hell isn’t because you aren’t queer.

Still feeling unsure of yourself? I’ve written a ton on this topic:

And if you want more support with your bisexual identity, queer dating journey, or decentering men, I got you. Let me know what you’re struggling with, and let’s figure out how I can help.

Love,
Melissa