My last relationship was toxic. How can I prepare to date again?
You are not broken. And believe it or not, you have some control here.
Note: I wrote this essay to be specific to relational dynamics that are toxic – that is, relationships that feel unhealthy or even unsafe, but that do not reach the threshold for abuse. Relationships with abusive partners involve niche dynamics that are not covered here.
I think one of the scariest things we can experience in a dating relationship is when someone hurts us in such a way that we become scared to love again.
This can happen in a few ways. Maybe our self-concept was so damaged by our last partner that we no longer feel deserving of love. Maybe we were so deeply trained not to have standards and boundaries that we forget how to speak up for ourselves. Maybe the toxicity of our last relationship was so insidious that we’re scared we’ll be susceptible to it again.
Dating again after a toxic partner or relationship is brave.
It’s you deciding that you’re ready to move forward and try again. It’s an indication that you know you’re worthy of a safe, stable, and secure love. And if this is something you’re considering, I am so, so proud of you.
It’s also f*cking terrifying.
Because once we’ve been hurt, especially in a way that’s so devastating to our sense of self, we can feel hypervigilant of the signs that it might happen again, or we might even swear off relationships forever because they don’t feel worth the risk.
We take on these maladaptive protective mechanisms that, sure, may keep us protected from toxicity in the future, but may keep us away from love, too.
If this sounds familiar, then this is for you: a list of several questions you can ask yourself to help you get unstuck and moving forward.
Are you currently in or recovering from a toxic relationship? I’m here to help you process the experience and set goals for moving forward.
1. Which part of this burden can you put down?
Here’s a cheat sheet: If you tend toward blaming yourself for everything, always looking for how you could have done something different to have a better outcome, you can probably put a lot of the burden down and place it where it belongs, which is on your former partner.
If you tend toward relinquishing your power by claiming no role or responsibility in the circumstances of your life, believing that nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome, you might feel empowered by recognizing your role in a toxic dynamic.
These are two different, but equally unhelpful, trauma responses that we can have in regards to responsibility: tending toward overaccountability or underaccountability.
This is an idea that I learned from my accountability coach, Daria Garina. He calls it “centered accountability,” the idea that real accountability looks like acknowledging both people’s role in an interpersonal dynamic and staking out that midpoint. (He even offers a course on the topic, which I highly recommend!)
When we can more clearly see what is and is not our responsibility, we can more easily do The Work necessary to heal: because we aren’t taking on more responsibility than necessary or refusing to look at our own actions.
To be clear, your former partner’s hurtful or harmful behavior is their responsibility. Always.
And.
Sometimes we do have behaviors to be responsible for – and that’s okay! That doesn’t negate what happened to us.
Shannon Perez-Darby has written about this beautifully here, if you want to learn more. (Please note that the linked essay is specific to interpersonal violence, also known as abuse. However, the concepts therein can still be helpful for understanding toxic relationships!)
Try writing down a list of that which you feel you are responsible for and that which your former partner was responsible for in your relationship. Add to it, subtract from it, rearrange it, and re-evaluate it over time.
Practice placing responsibility where it belongs by not taking accountability for that which you had no role in and considering what self-work you may need to do to heal the parts of you that let you do things you regret.
2. What was taken away from you that you can now regain?
One of the hardest parts of coming out of a toxic connection is realizing how much of yourself you lost in the process.
Often, in order to lessen the pain brought on by your partner, you might change your behavior, or even who you are, to try to please them and avoid punishment.
Maybe you’re no longer in practice with boundaries because you weren’t allowed to have them in your last relationship (more on that later). Maybe your self-concept has been impacted, as your partner convinced you of things about yourself that aren’t true. Maybe you started behaving outside of alignment with your values for protection.
One very common result of a toxic partner is the destruction of your confidence, in the above ways and in others.
And of course it’s hard for us to date again when we don’t have confidence!
So it’s time to remember who the f*ck you are.
Not who your last partner said you were. Not who you feel like you might be, now that you’ve experienced this pain. But the person you are, deep down.
It makes me think a little bit about Internal Family Systems (and if you’re interested in the idea, I love this workbook): that there is a core self who we are born with, that cannot be damaged or destroyed, and we are ultimately always trying to act from that version of ourself.
So, who are you? Be that person again.
Make a list of the things that you love about yourself: parts of your personality, your values system, your hobbies. If you’re having a hard time remembering right now, that’s okay. Try asking a few of your closest loved ones to share what they love most about you and see what resonates.
Then go out and do or be those things.
I had a client once who is a therapist, and she shared a nugget of wisdom with me that has stuck with me: Confidence isn’t necessarily innate. It’s built by doing hard things.
And while being yourself shouldn’t be hard, it can be after a damaging relationship. So build your confidence back up by doing the hard thing – and remember who you are and why you’re lovable in the process.
3. How can you notice (and be repulsed by) red flags?
Here’s the thing: Most people aren’t showing their toxicity on a first date.
It’s something that happens gradually. Slowly. Sometimes even imperceptibly.
And if you’re looking for toxic thought or behavior patterns as a red flag, you won’t see it – because it’s not there.
The red flags that a person might be toxic are smaller and less obvious. But once you know what to look for, you might notice them in time to walk away from a connection before you feel stuck.
Now, you can Google a million lists of red flags. Here’s one to get you started.
The problem is, many of us have learned to be attracted to these red flags. For example, possessiveness and jealousy can be mistaken for love and security.
That’s when it’s time to take a long, hard look at ourselves (see point #1):
What about this is attractive to me?
Where did I learn to find this attractive – from cisheteropatriarchy? from my family of origin? from media? from my earliest experiences with relationships?
Where is the line between what I do want (safe and valid feedback from a partner) and what I don’t (being blamed for problems in the dynamic)?
Do I have the skills to name what my limits are? to walk away from connections that aren’t serving me? If not, where can I learn them?
What myths have I integrated that are more harmful than helpful (for example, that they’ll change once they feel safe)?
The key is learning how to get the ick from red flags – and sometimes that takes a bit (or a lot) of inner work first.
4. Which expressions of anger are you not okay with?
My therapist says that many of us struggle with anger – both expressing and receiving it – because our early experiences of anger, usually in our families, were abusive.
As such, we tend to conflate anger and abuse.
How often have you heard someone say that they don’t feel anger or find it useful? “I don’t get angry” or “Anger isn’t a productive emotion?” This should set off sirens blaring (yes, including if you are the one who feels this way). Because this is a good indication that you or someone else is conflating anger and abuse – which are not the same.
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. How we behave when we’re angry is what we need to pay attention to.
And similarly, we need to have a sense of how others behave when they’re angry:
What is an acceptable expression of anger that I can also tolerate?
What is an acceptable expression of anger that I struggle to tolerate? (Hint: This is your work, not theirs.)
What are unacceptable expressions of anger that no one should tolerate?
Of course, expressions of anger can be complicated by social or cultural experiences. For example, the ever-brilliant Christabel Mintah-Galloway talks a lot on Instagram about how our ideas of acceptable expressions of anger are rooted in white supremacy and colonialism.
But having a general sense of where you land (what works for you, what you need to work on, and what is a dealbreaker) is a good start.
My therapist offered me this list from the book Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side as a starting point. On the left side are “authentic self-expression(s)” of anger; on the right are (arguably universally) unacceptable expressions of anger.
Take a look at this list and think about the three bullet-pointed questions above.
5. How do you set (and maintain) boundaries?
I sometimes joke (except it’s not a joke) that I’m fantastic at setting boundaries. It’s maintaining boundaries that I’m bad at. Providing consequences? including ending connections that aren’t healthy for me? LOL. No thanks. I’d rather suffer (and likely, stew) in silence.
But the truth is, boundaries don’t work unless you uphold your side of them.
Sure, you can be annoyed that someone continually crosses your boundaries, but that’s only fair if you’ve clearly stated the boundary (people can’t read your mind) and followed through on the named consequence.
And sometimes that means that you can no longer be in connection with someone because they’re crossing a boundary that ultimately makes you feel too unsafe.
Here are some questions to ask yourself about your boundary practice:
At what point will I share my boundary? Will it be the first time that I notice myself not liking a particular behavior? Will I wait for the second time, when a pattern has been established? Try not to wait longer than that. Then you’re building resentment.
How will I word my boundary? Be clear, concise, and direct, remembering that direct communication is not unkind.
What will be the consequence for someone not adhering to this boundary? Depending on the boundary, the consequence doesn’t have to be big.
How do I feel about restating a boundary? How many times will I allow for wiggle room as this person learns my boundary?
At what point do I need to extricate myself from the connection due to disrespected boundaries?
Boundaries are fantastic to practice from the start because they will generally be smaller and easier to share and maintain. Starting with a small, relatively inconsequential boundary (“I’m not ready to give you my phone number. I’d like to stay chatting through the app for now!”) allows you to see how a new person responds to boundaries. That way, you can bounce before your feelings are involved.
And if you notice that you feel attracted to a bit of boundary negging, revisit point #3.
If boundaries are a struggle for you, I highly recommend Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace. She offers fantastic insight from her work as a therapist, grounded examples for deeper understanding, and even short scripts to help you get started.
Listen. What you’re setting out to do isn’t easy.
Loving after being hurt feels like a risk because it is a risk.
But it doesn’t have to be uncalculated. It doesn’t have to be a risk you aren’t prepared for. And I promise that it isn’t impossible. It just takes a bit of thought.
Hopefully the questions herein give you something to chew on. And know that I’m always rooting for you to be your happiest, healthiest self – in your happiest, healthiest relationships.
Love,
Melissa